


Letters For Solas

by Xeal



Category: Dragon Age (Video Games), Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Depression, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-23
Updated: 2018-09-23
Packaged: 2019-07-16 04:38:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,235
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16078586
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Xeal/pseuds/Xeal
Summary: Varric is growing worried for the naturally radiant Inquisitor everyone has come to love, Lady Theneras Lavellan. So using Cole as a messenger raven he writes the only person who could possibly make the Inquisitor happy once more, Solas.





	Letters For Solas

**Author's Note:**

> Each of the letters are dated at the top with a year, day, and month. I've placed a number next to the months so you would know what month. I'm using the more popular names for the Thedas calendar, which is divided into 12 months with 5 major holidays. 
> 
> Here I've decided Corypheus was defeated in mid to late winter, meaning Varric has begun writing to Solas rather soon afterwards. All letters are sent over the course of about three years. Starting in 9:42 Dragon and ending in 9:45 Dragon. 
> 
> In one letter Varric will reference something lady Lavellan said in elvish, and it will be put in English below the letter. :) Enjoy the read!

9:42, 25th Guardian (2)

Chuckles,

Regarding Theneras, she isn't doing too well. Ever since you up and left she has gotten significantly worse in mood. I don't know what's wrong, she won't tell anyone. She took Morrigan's mirror into her room, they had talked about something before Morrigan's departure, not sure what but she isn't sharing it with anyone. Theneras travels still, sometimes alone and sometimes she brings a few of us. But she's starting to hide more in her room when we're back at Skyhold.  
Everyone's worried and the stubborn woman won't even explain what's bothering her so much. Cole won't say either, something to do with a promise he made her. But, for her sake, can you send her a letter or something? I have a feeling she'd only tell you what's wrong, and it's killing everyone that she's locked herself away from pretty much everyone.

-Varric

 

  
9:42, 14th Drakonis (3)

Chuckles,

Cole said he delivered the last letter to you. Not sure if you've even bothered reading these. Please, it's serious, she's stopped coming out of her room and has begun asking Josephine to hand letters over to Lilliana and Cullen that detail things she wants to be done. She's acting from her room.  
She's hiding something and she's put up some kind of magical ward on her door. Grand Enchanter Fiona managed to break it with the help of Dorian but at great experience. Theneras was none too happy that they broke her ward and asked for them to leave, after asking for the fourth time politely, she yelled at them. I swear I felt the ground shudder beneath the force of magical energy she gave off.  
She'd listen to you, she _loved_ you! Send her a letter, a bird, some sort of sign that you're okay! Please! She won't listen to anyone.

-Varric

 

  
9:42, 23rd Drakonis (3)

Chuckles,

I'm going to ask that Cole sees to it you read these from now on. Clearly, you don't understand the situation here.  
Theneras won't let us utter your name anymore, she got upset at Dorian when he asked why she's been acting so brash as of late. To which she responded, and frankly, I don't know what it means but Cole repeated it for me. _"Dirthara-ma!"_ After we stared at her for a long moment she continued walking.  
I asked Sera if she knew the meaning but all I got was spit in my face. Fiona wasn't raised by Dalish so she didn't know. In fact, the only person who was of any help was Lilliana, who sent a letter to an old friend who explained it was a common curse meant to offend Dorian. Or rather, all of us.  
I suppose our Inquisitor feels we should understand why she's upset. But none of us know because she isn't telling us.  
Please. Talk to her.

-Varric

 

  
9:42, 29th Bloomingtide (5)

Chuckles,

Cole confirmed you read the letters. He didn't return for a while so I figured he ran off with you. He came with another letter, said it was for Theneras, we ambushed her when she came to dinner.  
She wouldn't even touch it at first, perhaps she feared it was some sort of cruel trick. But she read it. I don't know what it said but she cried. A lot. Then went back to her room. I haven't seen her since yesterday, whatever you wrote... I'm not seeing any good results.  
Maybe she will change within the next few days.  
Either way, thank you for sending a letter.

-Varric

 

  
9:42, 30th Solace (7)

Chuckles,

I know I haven't sent a letter in a while, but I assumed it's because you knew she was doing better. Whatever was in that letter you wrote,  it helped her. She's feeling a lot better. So much so, I think she's putting on weight!  
Wish you could see it, she claims she isn't but I'm almost certain she is. Sitting around Skyhold every day does that I suppose. I think I've put on some weight myself.  
She's been putting together a party for All Soul's Day. She's really into it, she's much happier, she almost looks like she's glowing sometimes. Apart from the hand, I mean.  
Maybe I'll have Sera draw a picture for you, she's getting better with her doodles.

-Varric  
_(A crude drawing of the Inquisitor in an evening gown with a slight bulged stomach, long chocolate brown hair pulled into an elaborate bun of sorts with pearls and flowers, her cheeks flushed and little lines around her grinning face to show that she was glowing with joy.)_

 

  
9:42, 14th Kingsway (9)

Solas,

Something serious just went down between that Chantry Woman, Mother Giselle, and Theneras.  
To make a long story short I noticed that Theneras had Mother Giselle accompany her to her bedroom. After a few hours or so there was yelling, lots of elvish words were thrown, one of the Dalish serving girls covered her ears and later called the Inquisitor "foul-mouthed".  The revered mother came back downstairs alone. Seeker Pentaghast asked what was wrong and the mother wouldn't budge on the subject, saying it was best to not talk about it.  
I regret asking, but maybe you could ask her? If you feel it would be best left alone then I won't prod, but it just seemed like something that was rather important went down and the only two involved won't utter a word.  
Again, I won't prod. But it would be nice if you asked since I assume she'd tell you of all people.

-Varric

 

  
9:43, 2nd Cloudreach (4)

Chuckles,

It's been a long time. Theneras is doing better, she lost weight, don't know how, she hasn't been training as much as she did last year.  
Did you hear the news? Sometime next year Cassandra is to be the next Divine. She's going to make things better for the Mages, and for the Templars. She talks highly of redefining the Chantry.  
I think it's something we can all get behind. Hopefully, no one will, ya know, try and assassinate her. Lilliana will continue to be Left Hand, and she doesn't seem bothered that she wasn't chosen to be Divine, and if she is, she sure hides it well.  
Theneras spoke earlier to Cole, something to do with you. Not sure what about but Theneras might be sending you a letter! Or, maybe it already came? I'm not sure when I'll have time to pass this off to Cole.  
Everyone's doing alright, aside from the fact that you aren't here. I think our Inquisitor is getting used to the idea that everyone is going to be leaving. I'm actually leaving in a week or so. So you won't get any updates from me anymore.  
That is unless we all have one great big party for old times sake. Maybe you could even come? That'd be really fun, have the whole gang back together for one last shabang!  
Doubtful, but it's a thought.  
Take care, Chuckles. And keep an eye on Theneras.

-Varric

 

  
9:44, 4th Harvestmere (10)

Solas,

Shit hit the fan real quick. I don't even know where to start.  
After the Exalted Council was called Theneras wrote to me saying I needed to attend. Somewhere in the midst of all this, she said something about you being some sort of Elven God? Fen'Harel, that's how Cole says to spell it.  Cassandra is freaking out, Chantry sisters are panicking, Dalish elves are revolting, Curley is doing his best to convince Theneras you're the enemy now and everyone else is trying to keep a sharp eye on the Qun.  
She says she spoke to you? I'm not sure when, I was too busy being tossed around like a ragdoll. But she doesn't want to give details. She keeps mumbling in Elvish. Not sure about what.  
Are you really a god? Theneras says you're not, that you're still you. But, everyone else is trying to convince her otherwise.  
I heard her over talking with Mother Giselle, she called you a monster.  
Theneras yelled at her, tears running down her pinkened cheeks as her bottom lip quivered. _"Tel'abelas Dar In Lath Solas! Var Din'an Da'len, Enansal! Solas Na Mir'Samahl, Mir'Renan,  Mir'Bellanaris. Mir'Vhenan Na Solas Melanada. Tel'abelas!"_  
She stormed off to her room. I know I don't have to translate that for you. But Cole did his best to explain it to me. I think I'm going to take her some of those little hard candies she likes, might make her feel better.

-Varric

_(I'm not sorry to be in love (with) Solas! Our dead child, (a) Blessing! Solas is my laugh, my voice,  my eternity. My heart is Solas (for) all time. I'm not sorry!)_

 

  
9:44, 19th Firstfall (11)

Solas,

Things are getting worse. Cole says all he hears from her is weeping, that she's sad, even when she smiles. He tried to help but she told him to quit "tugging on the threads." Suppose he understood and kept quiet. Mother Giselle started another fight. I know I didn't know what was going on, but everyone does now.  
I didn't know she was pregnant, and I suppose you didn't either, she collapsed in tears when Mother Giselle said that you might think twice about destroying the world if you knew about the baby. Then Theneras yelled that the baby didn't make it and she knew it.  
I'm scared to approach her, her hand is zapping some green shit all over, she can't catch her breath and she doesn't want to talk to anyone. She even yelled at Cole.  
I don't see this getting any better. You might want to send a letter, or maybe pop through that mirror she brought with her to the winter palace.  
Sorry again about the kid. I'm sure you two would have made interesting parents.

-Varric

 

  
9:45, 15th Wintermarch (1)

Solas,

I regret to be writing this letter to you. To be the one who has to write this down isn't something I thought I'd be doing. I'd prefer to hand it to you myself, or just tell you in person, but Cole won't give up where it is you are hiding. He's loyal, and for good reason. So, here I am, writing you this letter on a stormy night. I might as well just come out and say it as there's no real way to sugar coat this.  
Theneras is dead. She jumped from her bedroom balcony in Skyhold, the one that overlooked the mountain range.  
Because she had locked herself in her bedroom for a few days, no one thought to look for her. It happened somewhere between the 7th and the 10th.  
No one thought to check, until Lilianna mentioned taking something for her to eat and Cole began crying. He told her Theneras wouldn't need the food. That's when Bull and Cullen broke open the door and stormed her room. All they found was a set of neatly folded letters.  
She had written everyone a letter, Solas. A personal letter, apologizing for doing this, for ending her life and for leaving the Inquisition without a leader.  
In mine, she told me that she loved my stories, that I reminded her of her father, only more dwarf-like. She asked, and apologized multiple times during the process of asking in the letter, that I take her body to the graveyard her clan was buried in.  
I've seen to it. If you'd like to visit her grave she's the one next to the smaller grave under the weeping willow, I wasn't sure what to put on her headstone. I decided on _"Beloved Leader, Lover, and Mother"_  
I'm sure if your daughter lived past one month she would have loved you and Theneras to the fade and back. She's buried next to Shiral. I was asked to add new flowers to her grave, I decided lilacs would be a nice touch.  
I suspect you wrote what is on her grave? I can't read it, it's Elvish, I assume it's lovely though.  
Theneras asked that I arrange to move the Eluvian under the tree as well, that way you can easily visit. Cole said her soul might shift within the fade and turn into a spirit. He thinks she might become a spirit of compassion, like him, if she becomes a spirit at all anyway.  
She left you a letter as well. Cole told me he'd give it to you when he went to give mine. He's going to have you read mine first. Her wishes, of course.  
I truly am sorry you have to face this, her death. Just know that she was loved, not by only you, but by me, and every one of our friends. We are all grieving. And if you need someone to talk to, about her, to vent to. Just have Cole come tell me.  
This will be my last letter, as I am leaving the Inquisition, I have no reason to stay, Theneras is gone and whoever is to take her place will likely not be the same as she in politics and company. Cole will know where to find me.

-Varric

 

  
_(The following was written in elvish, but conveniently translated for you to read)_

9:45, 7th Wintermarch (1)  
10:00 am

My Heart,

As I write this with quill on paper I dread to tell you that I have decided to end my life. Forgive me. I'll have Cole insist you read Varric's letter first, as this will be a bit more painful to hear from me instead. Or maybe it's the other way around? I suppose it no longer matters, I have already written the other letters before this, decisions were made.  
As you know our daughter, Shiral, did not live much more than a month. I can't help but feel as somehow I am being punished. All I wanted was to be happy and have a family, and yet you have refused to allow me to come with you because you fear for my well being. I am dying Solas, you said it yourself, this mark is going to kill me, a slow and painful death. If I am to die I wish to not be alone in my final moments, yet every attempt I make to contacting you for more than a few sparse letters or to ask you to allow me to just be with you. You push me farther away.  
I could not tell you why our daughter died, my only explanation would be that it is punishment for being unable to keep you happy. You know I cannot move on. I want to be with you. Wanted, to be with you. I cannot allow myself to fall in bed with another, and because of this, I have decided to take my life.  
You were wrong and you know it. The Inquisition does not need me, I am confident it can function without me. I have nothing to do but sit around and write letters, or talk to nobles who don't know shite about our people and who don't care to. They'd call me "Knife-Ear" if I didn't have a title. They'd likely lock me into a circle tower as well.  
Even if I were to leave the Inquisition where would I go? You do not welcome me to join you in aiding our people, and my clan has long been dead. Murdered by an order I sent.  
I have no home, no lover, and no child.  
What am I to do Solas? Would you have me wait an eternity for you to return? Or just until I'm on my knees as the pain from the mark has spread farther up my arm, only to have you leave as you "buy me time" to stay alive a little longer? What am I to do when the Inquisition is gone? Retreat to where and live alone? Waiting for my death on some untouched corner of the world wishing for you to just be there?  
Despite what I am about to do, I want you to know, I do not regret anything. I love you, Solas. And I loved Shiral, even if she didn't have time to know it. I will always love you, for time can not stop me from loving you. Only you can.  
I hope when all this is over, if you are dead or alive, that you come to visit our daughter and me, Varric will tell you where we are and how to reach us.  
Farewell, Dread Wolf, and may you lead our people to a triumphant future.

-Theneras Lavellan  
8:45pm

_(Enclosed with the letter is a small sapphire on  
A silver chain, a necklace Theneras said was once her mother's. One she could never part with)_

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

The man dropped to his knees with slow sobs escaping his lips as he gripped the parchment in balled hands that now rested on his lap. He pulled one hand from the letters as he covered his eyes and tried to force himself to believe these letters weren't real. They were a trick of the fade. She could not have ended her life, his love, the only woman who made him feel whole was back in Skyhold, curled up on the couch while reading an old storybook.

"She loved you." Cole finally spoke, numb and quiet, careful, hesitant to speak to the weeping man. "She didn't do it because of you, she did it because she felt alone... she couldn't find peace in anyone around her. Shiral's death tipped her over the edge, I think. She dwelled on it a lot an-"

" _Stop!_ " Solas hissed through gritted teeth, his eyes sparkling a blue sort of flame as the ground rumbled from the explosion on his voice, afterwards, involuntarily he began relaxing from exhaustion and sighed in defeat. "Just... stop, Cole." His brows had knitted together and no amount of comfort could make him feel whole any longer. The tears flowed in rivers that wetted the freckle littered cheeks his beloved once held in her soft hands while their tongues danced. Now she was dead. Never again would he hold her, never again would her gentle fingers brush along his jaw as she gave him an innocent and hungry look, blissfully unaware of what the man she loved really was.

Solas stood slowly, using his staff to help himself up. "I need to see her." He spoke quietly and tucked the letters into an inside pocket behind his wolf pelt, after folding them carefully.

"But she-"

"Her _grave_ , Cole." He paused while pulling the silver necklace over his head and letting it dangle next to his wolf jawbone. "I need to see her grave." Again the man was defeated in tone, his back to the spirit as he spoke, long ears slanted down as his stone blue eyes bore holes of sorrow into the Eluvian. After a long pause, Solas left through the mirror, to visit the woman he drove to death. Cole left to tell Varric the news, of how the only person who could save her, finally visited her, too bad the man she loved to the ends of the fade, was too late to save her from her own demise. It wasn't the mark that brought her to an end. It was herself.


End file.
